The Absurd Marriage of Starscream and Megatron
by HeavyMetalRunner
Summary: Stories of their 'marriage' and how hilarious it would be for everyone else. They love each other really.
1. Keep My Secrets

This could be what they'd be like if the war had never happened, or many many eons after it ended, depending on how optimistic you are.

Keep My Secrets

* * *

"Lover, I'm home!" Starscream walked into the living room and put down his case. He looked over and was instantly puzzled at the sight of Megatron huddled into a corner of the couch with his legs drawn up.

It was probably the most ridiculous sight he'd ever seen, but he was too stunned to appreciate the humor.

"What are _doing_?" He asked slowly.

Megatron looked pained. "There's a…problem."

Starscream lifted a brow and walked over. "There's no doubt about that. You want to be more specific?"

Megatron looked like he was struggling. To a stranger he might look sick or in pain, but Starscream knew this was how he looked when embarrassed. He couldn't wait for the explanation.

"Look over there," he inclined his head.

The directions being vague, Starscream looked around blindly for anything out of the ordinary before he noticed there was a smudge, or spot on the wall.

He focused a little more, and saw it was not a smudge but a cyberachnid—a tiny eight legged insect-like creature.

These creatures were mysterious; not for anything they did or how they lived, but because for some inexplicable reason they awoke irrational, and sometimes debilitating, fear into many Cybertronians. In fact, nearly half the population was affected by this mysterious fear.

Starscream is lucky enough not to be afraid of the things, at least not pathologically so—he is equally disgusted by _all_ buggies and beasts.

He turned to Megatron with the biggest smile ever to appear in the history of the universe. Megatron felt even _more_ sick to his tank and head. "Don't say _anything. _I can't help it—and it's not like I'm the only one."

Starscream felt like he was going to burst, but he held in his laughter. He could take satisfaction in seeing oh high and mighty Megatron scared and shamed without saying something that would cause another fight that might even get him slapped again. And then all the mess that would follow—because people always jump to conclusions.

"Don't worry I'll save you, my love." He said with sarcastic valor. He went over and caught the creature between his claws, he heard Megatron make a choked sound, and he himself grimaced out of disgust, but braved it out for the sake of his love.

He took the struggling thing outside and threw it off the balcony.

"Did you put it far enough away?" Megatron asked in a tight voice.

Starscream snorted, "you do know that it didn't come in here to personally hold you hostage, right?"

Megatron didn't look convinced, but hummed in agreement nonetheless.

Starscream stood in front of him. "Are you going to thank the big strong bot who rescued you? Or can you not lower yourself to even show gratitude?"

Megatron huffed, "I was going to thank-you; but of course you didn't give me a chance you arrogant glitch. And did you just call yourself big and strong because if so, I'm not going to thank-you because I'm never speaking to you again."

"I know you're not familiar with the concept so I'll help you out—that is _not_ how you show gratitude you big coward." But he climbed on Megatron's lap anyway.

Megatron regarded this action with a flat look. "Is my humiliation that wonderful for you, or is this your usual sluttiness?"

"Hey, I'm not a slut—I just have a thing for big, curvy bots," he purred, running his hands over said curves. "And yes, I was anticipating this all the way home." He leaned in for a quick nuzzle, then leaned back smirking, "and yes, your humiliation is that wonderful for me."

Megatron pulled their foreheads together so Starscream wouldn't see him grin. "I hate you."

"Yeah yeah, I hate you too."


	2. Quality Time

Megs has an appointment; he needs husband's help; Starscream has some errands to do.

It goes quite wrong.

Quality Time

It was an unfortunate fact of life: even robots got old. And maybe Megatron would live forever, but as he got older and older, this frame would need repairs more often. Right now he was on his way to get his optics overhauled. This in and of itself was not so bad. It was merely inconvenient that he would need someone to accompany him and help him get back home if his optics were recalibrating.

The really unfortunate detail in this situation was the person he would be taking with him—i.e his spouse, Starscream.

And even worse, this was Starscream's day off, so he was using it to run errands before Megatron's appointment. Firstly, he had to buy a new tube…thing for the computer; second, he said something about a supercharger for his bike; and finally, he insisting on picking out a new color for the main room.

It all sounded simple enough. Tragically, these things were meant to be accomplished by _Starscream…w_hich meant walking around the shop in circles looking at the same things over and over.

Shopping for the tube was painless enough, though he somehow managed to struggle between two that were seemingly exactly the same apart from who manufactured them.

The 'supercharger', however, took _hours. _Megatron wanted to offline himself. Starscream kept babbling on and on about size and weight versus power and space and other nonsense Megatron found fantastically uninteresting and incomprehensible.

When they got to the paint shop Megatron knew his suffering would reach its zenith. If two tube things took an hour and a half to find, and six 'superchargers' took _three hours _of mental deliberation to decide between; how the Pit long would it take Starscream to choose between thousands of shades of paint?

To make matters worse, they only had an hour before they had to start for the Doctor's. This was not going to happen. It took him only five minutes to realize Starscream would be standing in front of this wall of swatches for all eternity.

With trepidation, he dare express his concern. "We don't have to time to choose right now, I have to be at the appointment in two mega cycles. "

Starscream sighed. "Okay...I'll pick a few swatches to take home and ponder over."

Megatron nodded. "Quickly."

Starscream studied the wall of swatches for fifteen cycles without moving a hand toward them. He simply held his chin in his hand while he roamed his eyes over the whole lot—seemingly without any sort of intent or goal.

"Hurry up!" Megatron bellowed. The store seemed suddenly very quiet. There was a soft muttering of, "_Primus," _from the next aisle.

"Can we have one day out where you don't make a spectacle of yourself?" Starscream turned to his partner.

Megatron put his face in his claw. "Please. Just, please pick some so we can go."

Starscream crossed his arms and turned away from the swatches. "I need to think this over; I'll comeback some other time _alone _and make a decision."

Megatron had a headache. "_That _sounds like a fine idea."

Starscream exited the store, stomping like the petulant brat he was. Megatron followed, glaring at his back the whole. The occasional giggle he heard directed at them was no help at all.

"I hope you're happy," Starscream began once they were outside.

"I'm not." Megatron said dryly.

"Why are you such a grump all the time? How come you never enjoy anything? You don't want to listen to me talk about my project, you don't think redesigning the main room will be fun to do together—"

"Oh Primus."

"—you just want to skulk into the library and read depressing poetry for hours. If you loved me you would enjoy spending time with me no matter what we're doing!"

"Ahh frag." Megatron rolled his eyes.

Starscream glared. "You don't care at all do you? I'm coming with you to the doctor to _help_ you and just complain that I have things to do as well."

"I do care. I can't help it if I'm bored by the things you like to do. If I dragged you into my hobbies you'd be bored to death as well."

"What _hobbies_? Reading, watching the news? Please. And don't even say fighting because you know I love watching you fight."

This almost made Megatron smile. He hung his arm around Starscream, "perhaps we should stick to that then?" He said suavely.

Starscream rolled his eyes, but smirked. "Oh some things will never change. But you could at least indulge me and remodel the penthouse with me."

Megatron squeezed his shoulders. "If it will make you happy, I will."

"Thank-you. Now let's find a taxi, we're _miles_ away."

"Yes, my dear."

* * *

"Here he is." Doctor Manifold brought a dozy looking Megatron over to Starscream.

"Hey dear, how do you feel?"

"I don't know," Megatron mumbled.

Manifold smiled and Starscream giggled. "He's still rebooting, he'll be back to himself in a few moments. However, his optical systems are recalibrating, his vision will probably come and go for the next few cycles," said the Doctor.

"I'll take care of him." Starscream assured. He wrapped a claw around Megatron's massive arm. "Let's get home quickly so you can rest." Megatron stumbled as Starscream led him outside.

"That took forever!" said Starscream when they were out of the doctor's building.

Through his headache Megatron noted the irony of this statement. He considered getting annoyed about it, but he was too tired. "Yeah."


	3. Is It My Body?

Is It My Body?

Megatron caught another scumbolt staring at Starscream. It was quite asinine, with the way Starscream was standing between _his _legs and leaning against _his _chest, it was obvious he was _his_ lover.

And the stupid bots who kept staring at him weren't anywhere near Megatron's size—they should be terrified of him. Megatron shot the latest contender a deathly glare and the moron wised up enough to scamper off.

Unlike Starscream, Megatron didn't like to get knocked off his aft and onto his face from excess oil on his nights off work, so he was unused to this type of scene. If Starscream came here every night alone, or with his friend Knock Out, he probably got this sort of attention even more so. Maybe bots even came over to chat him up.

The very thought made Megatron see red. It seems Starscream has been living some party life unbeknownst to Megatron—and frankly, it made him feel like a fool—an _old _fool.

An overworked-looking bot slung himself into the seat next to them. When he noticed Starscream he gave him an appreciative smile, so Megatron made sure to glower over Starscream's pointy little head. His spouse, of course, obliviously sipped his latest oil helping and hardly payed their new neighbor any notice—giving a polite nod at the offered smile.

As Starscream took a break from siphoning high-grade into his bottomless pit, he leaned further against Megatron and let his head fall back unto his mate.

Shamefully Megatron realized this gave him a distinct feeling of pride. He actually _wanted _people to see him with...dare he even think—an armful of eye-candy.

Slag it all, they'd been married for so long he'd forgotten just how attractive the little fragger was. And damn, he was feeling smug about it too. Perhaps he could blame it on the oil?

Or he could comfort himself by thinking about how disappointed all the would-be suitors would be to find out that Starscream's mannerisms weren't anywhere near as sweet as his frame.

Although, if they were thinking he was a horny bot, they would not be at all disappointed. Starscream too thought himself exceptionally attractive and was not at all stingy about sharing his 'perfection'. Those idiots wouldn't be able to handle him, Megatron decided. Even if they could satisfy Starscream's notably frequent neediness, they would inevitably end up boring him with their fawning.

Megatron had never once acted as though it were even possible that the two of them weren't in the same league—and if anything Megatron was out of _his _league_._ Clearly this aloofness seduced Starscream more than any drooling adulation ever would.

"I can _feel _your smugness." Starscream interrupted his thoughts.

How was it that Starscream _always _knew what was going on in his head? It just wasn't fair. Megatron huffed, "that isn't even possible."

Starscream turned in his arms. "It is with you my dear. I can feel your chest swelling with the weight of your ego."

Megatron scoffed and pet his cheek, "you wax a bit poetical when you're wasted huh?"

"Oh, then you ought to like me overcharged." He put his hands around Megatron's waist—his favorite place to touch—and felt the shape of his strong curves.

Starscream yawned as he lazily felt Megatron up—_in public_. This behavior was not at all becoming for either of them, old as they were.

Megatron rubbed his back, "tired?"

Starscream shook his head enthusiastically, "no, I haven't even danced yet!"

Megatron balked, "I'm _not _dancing!"

Starscream's eyebrow twitched. "Everyone in this room has just breathed a sigh of relief and they don't even know why."

Megatron hated indulging Starscream, but there was no fighting the grin that forced itself unto his face—the little scrap _was _impressively witty. He pushed Starscream away from him. "Go ahead and make a fool of yourself. But stay where I can see you—I don't trust these lecherous debauchees."

"Hey! I _am _one of these lecherous debauchees." He purred, caressing Megatron's thigh.

Megatron brushed away his hand, "go get _dancing_ out of your system so we can leave while I'm still young."

"I'm afraid, then, that we were already too late when we arrived here," he slurred as he swayed to the dance floor.

Megatron considered kicking him, but figured being seen knocking his inebriated, and much smaller, spouse on his face would bring as much trouble as satisfaction.

He sat back and prepared to enjoy the show. One would think with Starscream's lithe and attractive body he would make an alluring dancer—but that one would be quite wrong.

Starscream's favorite type of dancing was the style from his youth—all those many, many thousands of years ago. It was a celebratory and individualistic type of dancing that involved jumping, stretching, twisting and at many points enthusiastic flailing about.

It was the sort of dance often performed by bots painted in mixtures of very bright neon colors and accompanied by equally bright oscillation-heavy music.

Megatron was very grateful that Starscream had dropped the neon for more sophisticated color schemes—even if he does change his paint every other year—and traded the pop music for the beautiful Operas of Vos. Although it became clear that he still needed his nostalgia fix on his nights off, and that he clearly didn't care what any of the trend followers thought of his goofy dancing—while he flailed in joy they worried about whether or not they looked attractive. Starscream never cared what others thought of him, in his mind he was fantastic and if others didn't see that it was because they had a problem and were just _wrong. _As narcissistic as it may seem, it endeared him to Megatron.

He really was a fun bot. When they'd first started dating Megatron discovered Starscream was actually rather sweet once you got past his standoffish front. Such intelligence and an outgoing personality teamed with fantastic beauty—Megatron hadn't stood a chance.

And here in this club, the sort of place he hated, watching his beautiful mate dance like a hyperactive toddler, he was emphatically grateful that Starscream had won him over so completely.


End file.
